Charlene Sears-Tolbert / www.WhenRelationshipsHurt.com
Romance & Forgiveness
Frequently, when relationships hurt, we are angry with ourselves for making poor choices or for being a “fool in love.” We berate ourselves over and over for making mistakes. We are often our harshest critics and our toughest judge. We often think, “If only… . I should have…” and the list goes on and on.
Yes, we may have made some mistakes and some poor choices. But how long must we condemn ourselves? The bottom line is that whatever happened has already happened and it cannot be undone now. The past is the past and wallowing in regret will only keep us fixed in the pain. We are often more forgiving of others than we are of ourselves. Our healing process requires that we move from a place of self-condemnation to a place of compassion and forgiveness towards ourselves.
Sometimes we may not be aware of our lack of self-forgiveness as it may show up in subtle ways such as:
- How we treat our bodies, the foods we eat, our grooming and hygiene, the clothes we wear;
- Clutter and disorganization in our living and work environment;
- Self sabotaging behaviors such as oversleeping on the day of the big presentation;
- Using a lot of sarcasm and cynicism;
- We push ourselves to the limits, demanding total perfection from ourselves.
- We become fanatics with religion, exercise, or etc.
- We accept unacceptable behaviors from others. We may be passive or passive-aggressive and do not speak up for ourselves.
- We abuse alcohol and/or drugs, or have other addictive behaviors such as shopping, gambling, or overeating.
Any of the above behaviors indicate a need for self-forgiveness. For what situations do you need to forgive yourself?
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Write the following letter to yourself.
Dear ______________________,
I now forgive myself for any decisions or choices I may have made. I now understand that no relationships are failures if we learn from them. I am learning and growing everyday as a result of this experience. For that, I am grateful. I release judgment and self-condemnation so that I may continue to move forward towards my future without being chained to my past.
Love, _________________________
Tape this letter to a helium-filled balloon. Tape the words shame, guilt, and disappointment to the balloon. Write down any other situation you need to forgive yourself for and tape it to the balloon. Release the balloon in an open area (avoid trees, power lines, etc). Watch the balloon as it rises and fades from view. Repeating, “I release and let go.” Pay attention to the feelings that surface during this exercise. Share those feelings with someone in your support group or write about them in your journal.
Repeat the above phrase at least twice a day for the next seven days. Be sure to continue journaling any feelings/reactions to exercise.
Put the following affirmations on post-it-notes and post in visible locations for the next seven days:
- I forgive myself for the choices I have made
- No relationships are failures if we learn from them
Is there something specific you are having a hard time letting go of? List those things:
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I am holding on to this because: _____________________________________________
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I have believed if I let go of this it will mean: ___________________________________
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I now realize if I let go it will help me in the following ways:
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I now choose to let go of the following emotions or situations:
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You might want to repeat the balloon exercise on the 7th day and release any residual emotions.
Do this exercise as often as necessary as you work on forgiving yourself.
