Dealing with Anger

Survivors, It’s Okay If You Feel Angry

By: Charlene Sears-Tolbert

www.whenrelationshipshurt.com

Most often anger is a secondary feeling, meaning it is felt in response to a primary feeling.  The primary feeling is usually hurt, disappointment, betrayal or some emotion of that nature.  However, those emotions can leave us feeling extremely vulnerable.  Anger on the other hand is a more powerful emotion…

Many believe it is not okay to feel angry, however, anger is actually a very healthy emotion.  It is not the anger that creates the problem but rather the actions resulting from the anger. You may feel anger towards the perpetrator, or toward the caretaker that did not protect you. You may even feel anger towards God whom you may feel abandoned you. Anger is a normal and natural emotion when we have been violated, preyed upon, or abused.

Most often anger is a secondary feeling, meaning it is felt in response to a primary feeling.  The primary feeling is usually hurt, disappointment, betrayal or some emotion of that nature.  However, those emotions can leave us feeling extremely vulnerable.  Anger on the other hand is a more powerful emotion.  Some may feel more in control when angry, and others may feel out of control when angry.  Anger is simply indignation at a perceived wrong and there are times when we have a right to be angry.

Hate, bitterness, and resentment is what happens when anger is not dealt with appropriately (the sin).  Inappropriate expressions of anger may run the gamut from using words to hurt someone’s feelings to causing bodily harm or even death. Outward manifestations of anger may be very frightening to some,  so many victims may repress their anger turning it inwards. Stuffing anger can create emotional numbness, depression, and many physical illnesses. Dealing with the anger is a good way to start making room for the other emotions to surface as we move towards healing.  Anger is a physical energy that must be discharged from the body in a physical form, that is why babies kick and flail when they are angry.

Some suggestions for dealing with your anger include the following:

• Write an angry letter to the person you or angry with.  If it is God, it is okay to be honest about that so that you can move past it.  This should be a, “dead” letter, that you do not actually give to the person; however, write it as if you are. The healing is in the purging.  Be very clear in the letter what you are angry about and why.  Also, state what your expectations were (i.e. “you should have protected me”).  When you are done, you may burn, shred, or bury the letter.
• Sponge-paint a room/wall in your house.  Really slap that paint on!
• Shout with as much force as possible “I am angry,” repeat at least seven times (make sure you are in a safe place, such as a parked car with windows rolled up) or alone at home.
• Have a temper tantrum.  Lie on the floor, wail your arms, kick your legs and scream, “I am angry!”
• Kick, pound, or hit a beanbag – forcefully say, “I am angry.”
• Beat a pillow or bed with a plastic bat.
• Physical exercise such as jogging to maximum exertion level.
• Write a poem.  A very expressive poem.
• Pound nails into a wood surface
• Join a support group with other survivors so that you may freely express your anger in a safe environment

Complete the following exercises:

The situation I am angry about is (what specifically are you angry at?)   _________________________________________________

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I feel angry at this situation because (why does this situation make you angry?)

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Because of this situation, I have (what ways have you acted out because of your anger?)

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Because of this situation I believe (what do you believe about relationships, life, yourself, etc.?)

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This belief helps or hurts me in the following ways

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The best thing I can do for myself when I am angry is (how will you express your anger?)

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During her twenty-year career, Charlene Sears-Tolbert continues to work passionately as a counselor and educator.  She is the CEO and President of WRH Consultants, Inc. Having attended the University of Massachusetts majoring in Human Services Management, Charlene earned a Bachelors degree in Applied Behavioral Science and went on to achieve a Masters degree in Psychology from National Louis University.

Through spiritual practices, a 12-step program, individual counseling, and self-help work, Charlene herself has overcome tremendous obstacles in her life such as incest, sexual abuse, substance abuse, physical abuse, homelessness, cancer, divorce, and other life situations, and has made it her life’s work to share her experience, strength and hope to empower others.  Having married and divorced the same man twice Charlene understands the emotional trauma the loss of relationships can cause as well as the incredible self-discovery and personal growth of the healing process.  This book is her gift to others that are hurting.

Currently, Charlene resides in Orlando, Florida with her son, Shaka Yohance, and her miniature Yorkie, Penelope Ann.  She enjoys activities that bring her to the ocean such as taking a cruise or relaxing on a beach in the Caribbean.

A gifted and motivated speaker, Charlene is available for workshops, conferences, and retreats.

www.whenrelationshipshurt.com